Anger and Contentment

"The man being interviewed by CNN was a CEO of a major conglomerate. He works endlessly and thrives on pressure. The interviewer asked, 'What makes you run?' He said, 'I grew up hearing from my father that I would never amount to anything. I've done this to prove the [blankety-blank] wrong.' His anger propelled him to the top and kept him going.

"In his book, Healing Grace, David Seamands said, 'I have yet to counsel a performance-based and perfectionistic Christian who was not at heart an angry person.' I agree. I have met many perfectionists who either do not recognize or admit to being angry. Somewhere in their experience they were taught that the expression of anger was wrong or dangerous. So they swallowed anger--and became performers to overcome it, hoping that they would finally gain the approval they desired so badly."

adapted from: Time Out. Daily Devotions for Workaholics by Gary E. Hurst, Mike Kachura, and Larry D. Sides, February 10

Most Fear It

“Illness strikes men when they are exposed to change.” – Herodutus (Greek historian)

"Change is inevitable. Change is constant." - Benjamin Disraeli

“If you want to make enemies, try to change something.” - Woodrow Wilson

“Change is a complex and labor-intensive process that arouses feelings and emotions.”
– Amy Tan and Dr. Uwe H. Kaufmann

“Advocates for change are greeted with suspicion, anger, resistance, and even sabotage.”
- Vadim Kotelnikov

"The colossal misunderstanding of our time is the assumption that insight will work with people who are unmotivated to change...."
- Edward H. Friedman

“Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind.” – King Whitney, Jr.

King Whitney, Jr. tells us change can be viewed from three perspectives:
1. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse.
2. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better.
3. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better.

Conflict Causes

Some things that cause conflict:

1. Scarce Resources
2. Complexity
3. Unresolved grief
4. Getting too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired
5. Obeying God (Doing what God wants you to do is not always popular.)

Give peace a chance. Hire a good mediator!

All Saints Outfitters has great mediators! Click here for more information.

Had Enough About Conflict?

But we live with conflict every day. For example, if two vehicles approach the same intersection at the same time, whether from right angles or one behind the other, conflict occurs. Unless the drivers make correct decisions and appropriate actions, a crash may occur. The conflict is neutral. The results of the decisions and actions that are made when the conflict occurs make the difference.

Other causes of conflict:
1. Change
2. Scarce resources
3. Unresolved grief
4. Obeying God (not always popular with everyone)

Conflict is. We need to learn how to manage it in healthy ways.

The Great Debaters

A great movie, by the way!

“There is further evidence that conflict leads to better and more innovative decisions, as well as increased group productivity. It was demonstrated that among established groups, performance tended to improve more when there was conflict among members than when there was fairly close agreement. The investigators observed that when groups analyzed decisions that had been made by the individual members of that group, the average improvement among the high-conflict groups was seventy-three percent greater than that of those groups characterized by low-conflict conditions. (Hall, J. and M.S. Williams. A Comparison of Decision-Making Performances in Established and Ad-Hoc Groups. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Feb. 1966, p. 217) Other researchers have found similar results: Groups composed of members with different interests tend to produce higher quality solutions to a variety of problems than do homogeneous groups. (Hoffman, R.L. Homogeneith of Member Personality and Its Effect on Group Problem Solving. Journal of Abnormal and Social Psychology. Jan. 1959, pp. 27-32; Hoffman, R.L. and N.R.F. Maier. Quality and Acceptance of Problem Solutions by Members of Homogeneous and Heterogeneous Groups. Journal of Abnormal and Social Psychology. Mar. 1961, pp. 401-407) The preceding findings suggest that conflict in the group might be an indication of strength rather than, in the traditional view, of weakness.” (176)
- Robbins, Stephen P. 1997. Essentials of Organizational Behavior, Fifth Edition. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice Hall

"Conflict has the marvelous effect of keeping me from becoming proud, thinking I don't need God. I'm reminded in these situations where my strength comes from--Jehovah Jireh."
- Henry, Jim, "Character Forged from Conflict," Leadership. Spring, 1998. p. 26

"Conflict needs to be mined for its nugget of truth. My ministry has been positively shaped much more by the hundreds of criticisms I've received than it has by a thousand compliments"
- Ficken, Jock E., "Shielding Your Heart from Strife," Leadership. Spring, 1998. p. 29.

Good Conflict

Very few people enjoy conflict. In fact, many, if not most, avoid conflict. Many people also avoid change, if possible. However, we are foolish to believe that growth and improvement can occur without change. We are also foolish to believe that change can occur without conflict.

For example, life on Earth requires water, so we need some form of precipitation from time to time. Rain and snow keep the land healthy. However, this requires conflict. A warm front and cold front must collide. Storms often result. But this conflict produces the needed precipitation, huh?


I hope we can learn how to manage conflict in healthy ways, not fear or avoid it.

“If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” (Romans 12:18)

Conflict can be good

My wife, Zoe, and I went to a play Valentines Day evening. The romantic comedy, "I do, I do!" was fun, but it was also realistic about the struggles that come with long-term relationships.

Conflict is not bad, per se. It is actually normal. And it can be an opportunity for growth and positive change.

While unresolved conflict may destroy relationships, conflict can be managed in a positive way, so that relationships can be maintained both during and after a dispute is settled.

But working through conflict can be hard work. For example, unless you can convince the other side you understand how they see it, you probably cannot explain your side to them. That requires both skill and work.

The alternative--unhealthy or broken relationships--pains me. If we avoid conflict, we avoid relationships. They go together. Struggles are normal in relationships. Good relationships require love: accepting, living with, even appreciating the peculiarities of other; and forgiving and being forgiven. I need help with that. How about you?

Benefits of Conflict?

Some folks find benefit to conflict. Consider:

"Conflict has the marvelous effect of keeping me from becoming proud, thinking I don't need God. I'm reminded in these situations where my strength comes from--Jehovah Jireh."
(Jim Henry, "Character Forged from Conflict," Leadership. Spring, 1998. p. 26)

"Conflict needs to be mined for its nugget of truth. My ministry has been positively shaped much more by the hundreds of criticisms I've received than it has by a thousand compliments"
(Jock E. Ficken, "Shielding Your Heart from Strife," Leadership. Spring, 1998. p. 29).

“Faith must be tested, because it can only become your intimate possession through conflict.”
(Oswald Chambers, Aug. 29. My Utmost for His Highest)

From J. Robert Clinton, The Making of a Leader:

“Loyalty is not tested until difficult times come.”

“Learning submission is critical to learning what authority is. Learning to relate in a godly manner in the midst of conflict is crucial, because healthy relationships are essential to effective ministry.”

“Conflict is a powerful tool in the hand of God and can be used to teach a leader lessons that he [she] would not learn in any way.”

“God uses instances of conflict to develop a leader’s faith, dependence upon God, and insights relating to personal life and ministry.”

“It is bad enough to go through conflict; it is worse to go through conflict and not profit from it.”

What do you think?

Can Conflict be Good?

We're snowed in. This conflicts with our schedules (but it surely is beautiful). Can conflict be good?

Hall and Williams submit, “There is further evidence that conflict leads to better and more innovative decisions, as well as increased group productivity. It was demonstrated that among established groups, performance tended to improve more when there was conflict among members than when there was fairly close agreement. The investigators observed that when groups analyzed decisions that had been made by the individual members of that group, the average improvement among the high-conflict groups was seventy-three percent greater than that of those groups characterized by low-conflict conditions. (Hall, J. and M.S. Williams. A Comparison of Decision-Making Performances in Established and Ad-Hoc Groups. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Feb. 1966, p. 217)

Other researchers have found similar results: Groups composed of members with different interests tend to produce higher quality solutions to a variety of problems than do homogeneous groups. (Hoffman, R.L. Homogeneith of Member Personality and Its Effect on Group Problem Solving. Journal of Abnormal and Social Psychology. Jan. 1959, pp. 27-32; Hoffman, R.L. and N.R.F. Maier. Quality and Acceptance of Problem Solutions by Members of Homogeneous and Heterogeneous Groups. Journal of Abnormal and Social Psychology. Mar. 1961, pp. 401-407) The preceding findings suggest that conflict in the group might be an indication of strength rather than, in the traditional view, of weakness.” (176) Robbins, Stephen P. 1997. Essentials of Organizational Behavior, Fifth Edition. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice Hall

What do you think?

Grief

From conflict management research and practice, I learned that unprocessed grief plays a major role in interpersonal conflict. Most of us in the USA don't know how to grieve. Grieving is a process, often a chaotic one, yet our culture expects us to get over it quickly. How many days do most companies allow off after suffering the death of a family member? How about for the death of a close friend?

Would you please take the poll?