Blessing and Curse

"She did not know about blessing. Louise looked at her life and was convinced that she had been cursed. At a young age and for many years she had experienced incest. The man in her life who should have protected her was the one who hurt her most severely.

"The sad result was that Louise grappled with two contradictory messages. The obvious one said she was worthless, 'damaged goods.' The other came from deep within and said that regardless of what others had done to her, she was not a horrible person. The deep-down message usually lost." (from May 19, "I Have Been Blessed", Time Out. Daily Devotions for Workaholics)

Do you know anyone like Louise? Do you have a similar struggle? Louise experienced incest. Others have similar wounds from spouse abuse. Whatever the cause, the abused person alone can correct the problem over time, but they are not likely to do it alone. They need someone who cares, will listen to them with compassion, and who will gently help them change the way they think and speak about themselves.

Unprocessed Grief

From conflict management research and practice, I learned unprocessed grief plays a major role in interpersonal conflict. Frequent interaction with, listening to, and observing people struggling with anger, denial, depression, perfectionism, and workaholism also helped me to connect many, if not most, of their struggles to unprocessed grief. Therefore, we might benefit greatly from learning how to grieve completely, healthily, and properly. Unfortunately, our culture does not accommodate grief well. Chaplain Ray Giunta (God at Ground Zero. 2002) supports the notion that our culture holds a distorted view of grief when he states:

"Our modern culture has acquired an unhealthy view of grief, thinking it can be controlled, that it’s a thing that we can and should get over quickly: We’ve got to get rid of the body, get past the funeral, get over it all, and get back to work. But if survivors and victims’ families aren’t given permission to grieve, they’ll develop what we call ‘chronic grief.’ They’ll be stuck in the first part of the process and never move forward. The result will be a group of people who will be alive physically but dead emotionally and spiritually" (pp. 162-163)

He continues,
"We are made to grieve our losses. In whatever form it takes, grieving is a normal, natural part of the healing process—the body’s protection system, its way of coping. It must be given its due. To talk about grief, though, is to talk about death. And usually, those who have trouble talking to others in crisis situations, worrying about what to say and how to say it, haven’t dealt with their personal feelings about death. Yet death is the topic that never goes away during a disaster.” (169-170)

Most Fear It

“Illness strikes men when they are exposed to change.” – Herodutus (Greek historian)

"Change is inevitable. Change is constant." - Benjamin Disraeli

“If you want to make enemies, try to change something.” - Woodrow Wilson

“Change is a complex and labor-intensive process that arouses feelings and emotions.”
– Amy Tan and Dr. Uwe H. Kaufmann

“Advocates for change are greeted with suspicion, anger, resistance, and even sabotage.”
- Vadim Kotelnikov

"The colossal misunderstanding of our time is the assumption that insight will work with people who are unmotivated to change...."
- Edward H. Friedman

“Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind.” – King Whitney, Jr.

King Whitney, Jr. tells us change can be viewed from three perspectives:
1. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse.
2. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better.
3. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better.